Playaz Ball

We're "sailing away" to our new site!

2005-10-08T21:12:00.000-04:00

Please join Bon, Tac, Wayne, The Guv'na, Kenny, Larry, & me at our new site: Playaz Ball
It is time to say "adios" to Blogger. It's not you, Blogger, it's me. I promise we'll still be friends.

So please be sure and bookmark the new web address, www.playazball.com.

I will leave this site up and will eventually have this site re-direct to the new one. Thanks for reading Playaz Ball and we hope you'll join us at the new home of the Playaz.

Bear with us

2005-10-07T09:38:00.000-04:00

We are currently in the process of trying to get our new site up and running but have a few glitches / details to work out.

In the meantime, I don't want to blog anything new if I can help it because it is a pain to transfer over thanks to Blogger.

Of course, I will put notification here when the change is made, which will hopefully be soon.

Thanks,

Phil & the Playaz

Be sure and stop by your local newsstand

2005-10-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

The Playaz' fall feature magazine hits the stands next week!

The Price Is Right

2005-10-03T09:10:00.000-04:00

This is to give you readers a little background on the time that the Playaz' hosted and produced the popular game show The Price Is Right.

Prior to Bob Barker's arrival, Bon was the first host of The Price Is Right (the version that you have become familiar with, not the sixties version). Bon was an excellent host, albeit a bit aggressive and quick to anger with some of the dumber contestants. Bon ran a tight ship, and was responsible for many of the innovations that make TPIR popular today. Bon discovered and recruited the models who appeared on the show, knowing that their sex-appeal would boost ratings and help promote the show itself.

Many of you are aware of the Playaz late-night parties with the likes of Diane Parkinson, Holly Hutchinson, Ferrari Ferris, and many other of the fine ladies from TPIR. Well, they were Bon's idea, and were called "Bon's Beauties" before Barker came in riding on Bon's coattails.

Wayne was the announcer for the show. Wayne is quite a handsome fellow, but has a notoriously jealous wife. In order to keep peace with his wife at home, who was not fond of the Playaz' carousing with the models on the show, Wayne decided to gain 50 pounds and wear flamboyantly gay clothing in an effort to keep the ladies away, a style that was copied by subsequent announcers after our dismissal.

We invented many of the games that are still played today. This is a picture of the "Playaz Clock Game", in which contestants tried to guess the measurements of certain Playaz within 30 seconds, where Bon would instruct the contestant to guess "higher" or "lower". When the contestant guessed correctly, the clock would stop and then move on to the next Playa. This game was not a favorite of the network and was quickly cancelled, until the Barker-era came along and the game was simply renamed "Clock Game" where contestants guessed prices of vegetables and whatnot.

We were all fired, however, when it came out that we tried to rig the game by winning prizes for ourself. For three shows straight, either Tac, Manny or myself won as contestants on the show until the network caught on. We were forced to return most of the money, but we did get to keep a Chevrolet Caprice Classic they did not account for.

Another sore spot with the network was Bon's "kill all animals" stance, contrary to Bob Barker's stance on making sure your pets are taken care of by being either spayed or neutered. Thus, it simply didn't work out for us.

2005-09-30T11:21:00.000-04:00

Guten tag, Guv'na!

2005-09-28T11:00:00.000-04:00

Manny (aka, The Guv'na) is currently in Germany and sends us his photos from Oktoberfest- I will let Manny tell you about his adventures:

This is where the Guv'na's story begins...

At Oktoberfest, there are these huge tents/buildings for many of the big breweries in Germany. Inside are tons of picnic tables. Many are reserved, but most of them are general admission. What you do is pick a tent, find a table, and flag down a beer maiden. Beers cost 7.50 euros, which is about $9, but they are one liter (usually less though, due to the foam).

Things quickly escalated for the Guvna. At our table was a German marine, who simply could not be convinced that I was not in some branch of the US military. He kept challenging me to various tests of strength. At one point, he had me hoist a full beer above my head for as long as possible. Apparently, he held some record for 12+ minutes. I think I made it two until (luckily) he lost interest. Then came arm wrestling. I don't know if you can tell, but he's about twice my size, so I was going along with whatever he suggested. After my quick loss, he grabbed the back of my head and kissed me on the lips for about 10 seconds. This picture was taken immediately after. Note how my eyes are tightly shut. If you could see my mouth, you'd see that I was spitting and choking as well.

This gal needed a nap, I suppose.

This guy sidled up to our table and for two hours never said a word to anyone. I have no idea what he was smoking, but it gave him a very content look. I spoke only these words to him over the course of two hours: "Can I take your picture?"

Getting good....

Kenny, Larry reach agreement with Kim Jong Il

2005-09-27T09:10:00.000-04:00

Kenny Rogers and Larry Holmes recently reached an accord with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il over their stated intent to develop a nuclear program that could involve weapons. In exchange for North Korea's concession to cease further nuclear studies and development of any nuclear weapons program, Kenny, Larry and Kim Jong Il agreed to the following:

- Kenny agrees to perform 3 times per year at the Kim Jong Il Whom We All Love Casino & Resort in beautiful downtown P'yong yang, North Korea.
- Kim Jong Il will be allowed to do his standup act at Dollywood 3 times per year (subject to Kenny obtaining approval from Dolly Parton).

- Larry Holmes agrees to fight a Chinese Panda to the delight of His Highness Kim Jong Il for the Korean Heavyweight Championship no later
than December 31, 2005.

All that is needed now is the Playaz' ratification of this agreement for it to be legally binding. Oh, and you're welcome.

Albumes de música de Playaz

2005-09-24T22:05:00.000-04:00

Many years ago, a few of the Playaz cut some music albums down in Mexico. It is widely believed that we were the inspiration for "Menudo". I discovered some of the Playaz lost classics that once were the top of the Hispanic pop charts. Included are the english translation to the album titles.

"Orchestra & chorus"...."The sound is a tremendous goal!"

"For the first time"

We really aren't sure what the translation is here, and frankly, I'm not sure we want to know.

Heed my warnings! These stories are true!!

2005-09-23T16:02:00.000-04:00

Please forward the following to all of your friends and family within the next 30 minutes, or you will all be eaten by locusts:

I know you probably hate these emails as much as I do, but I felt I had to forward this to everyone I knew, because I would hate if it happened to someone else. A week ago, my next door neighbors Bill and Karen had been planning a family vacation with their only child, a beautiful little girl who's first birthday was coming up. My neighbors were going to visit Karen's parents in Florida to celebrate little Katie's first birthday together.

Because of skyrocketing airline costs, my neighbors were going to drive, so needless to say there was alot to pack for such a long trip. Money had been tight with them for a while now, since Bill had lost his job over three months ago, and the family was stressed out and fought a lot, seemingly all the time. While they were busy packing, Bill and Karen had an argument over who forgot to fill the car up with gas.

With both of them now in a huff, Bill and Karen got in the car to leave but the car would not start. I'm sure they were thinking "what else can go wrong"? Bill turned the car over again and again and the car was making this awful grinding noise and refused to start.

Bill got out and looked under the hood. Inside was the mangled body of his daughter, Katie. Somehow, amidst the fighting and packing, Bill and Karen lost track of Katie, and she had crawled up into the engine block where she got trapped in a fanbelt. Bill's continuous attempts to start the car had killed his little girl.

Please, PLEASE know where your children are at all times....the little things in life are not worth it when it is SO EASY to lose track of your child. I told this story to my auto mechanic and he said he has heard of 4 instances in the last year about small children doing this. They are very curious, and there is lots of room for a child to crawl under your car.

If your car won't start, open the hood and see if your child is under there. DONT KEEP TURNING THE KEY!!!

PLEASE, do not lose sight of the things that are precious to you!!! Pass this on to everyone you know, and tell them to go home and give their little girl or little boy a hug and say "I love you!!"

I swear this is true. Also, I just got an email saying this weekend the "Bloods" will kill you if you flash your headlights at them. That is all.

-Playaz Public Service announcement

North Korea nuke talks stall; Playaz suggest U.S. send in Playaz' own special envoy

2005-09-23T09:25:00.000-04:00

Rest assured, world, the Playaz have sent in the Big Guns to settle this North Korea nuclear nonsense.

To the other 5 countries previously involved:

Put that coffee down. That coffee is for closers.

Collect them all!

2005-09-21T22:46:00.000-04:00

Playaz at the Emmys

2005-09-20T10:03:00.000-04:00

Just a few photos from the Emmys this past Sunday night. Several of us Playaz were in attendance. The photo to the left is of Bon and his date Nicolette Sheridan. Wayne is seen fooling around with Eva Longoria (basically, all the Playaz hooked up with the women of "Desperate Housewives". I can say Bill Macy was not too thrilled).

Bon was there to introduce Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather that evening. The Playaz and Tom go way back to when Tom was a fact-checker for the Playaz Ball blog.

I won an Emmy (I know, not the best photo of me) for Best White Performance In A Black Sitcom. I guest-starred as 'Whitey Jenkins' in Fox's short lived sitcom "Method & Red", starring Method Man and Redman. My role was the uptight white neighbor who was always complaining about Method & Red's loud music, befuddlement by their cars that bounced up and down, and constant attempts to get Method & Red incarcerated. The show never made it past the pilot episode, but the academy felt my performance worthy of an award.

I forgot to add the shot of the Johnny Carson tribute, where a clip was played featuring the Guv'na's appearance on the show. I believe Guv'na began laughing uncontrollably when Joan Embry lost control of some marmosets that began running up under the Guv'na's mink coat, which amused Carson a great deal.

1:30 a.m.; Playaz Ball 2005

2005-09-19T12:47:00.000-04:00

Lance Armstrong & Sheryl Crow announce engagement, future divorce

2005-09-18T18:00:00.000-04:00

Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong and musician Sheryl Crow announced the joyous news of their engagement to be married in an interview on ABC's 20/20, and introduced their divorce lawyer Wayne, for their inevitable separation in 12-18 months.

Armstrong spoke admiringly of his fiancee to 20/20's Elizabeth Vargas, stating that he intends to work on his marriage to Crow just as hard as he did training for the Tour de France. Then, he says, he will simply quit after he's had enough.

Crow agreed, stating that she knew from the first moment she met Lance that they would be divorced someday. That prompted her to summon Playaz legal counselor Wayne to handle their future split.

Wayne was on hand for the interview and was impressed with Armstrong and Crow's love for each other, as well as their sensibility that it could never last. Wayne was quoted as saying it would be an amicable split, and cited irreconcilable differences as the reason these two celebrity love-birds would soon fall out of love.

Bush appoints Playaz Committee to question Supreme Court nominee Roberts

2005-09-15T22:12:00.000-04:00

President Bush appointed a special Playaz Judiciary Committee to perform a preliminary hearing for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts.

The Committee was chaired by Bon, and gave directive to the Playaz to ask hard-hitting questions of Roberts prior to his confirmation hearing with the U.S. Senate.

The Playaz asked Roberts a number of questions on his belief that Kenny Rogers was both the greatest country singer of the modern era and that Roberts had no moral problems with Kenny's once scandalous "900" phone sex line. Roberts was also questioned at length by Tac as to whether tartar sauce was, in his legal view, the best condiment - even better than ketchup or mayonnaise.

Roberts tended to avoid answering each question directly, instead offering the Playaz historical findings and stating to the Playa Committee that his place as the possible Chief Justice was not to rule on things such as Kenny Rogers's status among country music legends.

But then in what was possibly the most moving moment during the questioning, the Guv'na asked Roberts if he believed his old white dog, Charlie, would be waiting for him in heaven when he died. Roberts assured a tearful Guv'na that he believed all good dogs went to heaven and that yes, he was sure Charlie would be waiting for him.

This statement seemed to appease the Playaz, and it is expected that the Playaz will pass along their recommendation to the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Just like paradise

2005-09-15T10:25:00.000-04:00

I stumbled across this blog called Booze Clues, an Atlanta Social scene blog or something, and the first thing I noticed was the author's photo:

Guess what it instantly reminded me of? That's right:

A bit of a stretch, maybe, but just giving you a glimpse into the "visual association" game that often goes on in my mind.

Grounded

2005-09-13T21:41:00.000-04:00

While perusing some of the other blogs I like to check out from time to time, I noticed there was a planned blogger get-together in Washington D.C. involving several of our faithful readers. I commented how I wished the Playaz could attend, but of course requested the prerequisite airfare required for the Playaz to attend any social gathering (we are in such high demand that we can't be expected to travel all across the country on our own dime).

It was then that the Rock Creek Rambler astutely pointed out that it was unlike the Playaz not to have their own private plane. He was, in fact, correct, however I did not thoroughly explain the situation.

The Playaz do have their own private jet, a Gulfstream IV. The problem is, Tac crashed the G-4 into our swimming pool over Playaz Ball, and it is now in the shop. Apparently, Tac was trying to impress some ladies on the beach and came in a bit too hot and was forced to crash into the pool. Needless to say, it has grounded the Playaz. We of course receive offers from President Bush to ride the Air Force and Marine One's, but he is busy these days so we don't want to bother him.

Just wanted to clear up any misconception that the Playaz definitely are not flying "business class" when they travel. It's just that Tac got carried away and the G-4 will be fixed any day now once the ball-bearings come in. They had to order them from Germany because they are a special kind of ball-bearing.

Playaz Cookbook

2005-09-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

With apologies to world renown and faithful reader, Washington D.C.'s
Chef, the Playaz present to you Bon's famous 'Anti-freeze Sandwiches' for geese:

Ingredients (serves 5-10 geese):

5 slices of white bread
1 gallon of Texaco brand anti-freeze
Ziploc baggie

Steps:

Take slices of white bread, tear apart and roll into quarter-size balls.
Drop bread balls into Ziploc baggie.
At this point, pour in your Texaco anti-freeze, as much or as little as you like. Bon prefers to pour a liberal amount to be sure the balls are tasty when ingested by geese.
Marinate bread balls in anti-freeze until fully absorbed into the bread.
You are now ready to serve.

Place the anti-freeze soaked bread balls with a garnish of your choice at the lakeside bank of your choosing, then "bon" appetit! After the geese that are ruining your property have devoured these delectable delights, they will die within a few days.

Well, there you have it. I'm sure your geese will enjoy these treats, and Bon promises you will never be bothered by them again.

"The pimps and the whores, Phil"

2005-09-12T17:00:00.000-04:00

I've debated about whether or not to blog about this, but it is simply too good not to.

Since Playaz Ball's inception, we've seen a wide array of visitors from all walks of life visit our website. As our families and friends began to discover the site, we've tapped into feelings of both humor and humiliation. Some get it, some don't. Those that don't, it's not easy to explain what a grown man is doing wearing a turtleneck and a mustache on a website. Regardless, you can rest assured the Playaz are behind the site 100%, and are willing to sink to any level of humiliation to keep it going. But I digress.

This story revolves around my mom, who has absolutely no knowledge of the internet or it's workings. Never owned an email account and has never even so much as turned on a computer before.

Not long after we returned from Playaz Ball, my mom comes over to watch the girls while my wife is at work and I had somewhere to go. Right away I could tell something was wrong from the tone of the first sentence she spoke to me.

Mom: (Bon's mom) saw your website the other day...
Me: Oh, yeah? (waiting for the other shoe to drop)
Mom: You better take that site down right away.
Me: What? Why?
Mom: (Dramatic pause) The 'pimps' and the 'whores', Phil!?
Me: What??
Mom: Your girls are on that website! You better take it down right now. I mean it!
Me: What in the world are you talking about??
Mom: Just what I said! Pimps and whores!
Me: (incredulous) Have you even seen our site?
Mom: No...
Me: Then you have no idea what you are talking about! First of all, I have no idea where that came from. In fact, I don't think the word "pimp" or "whore" is anywhere on my site! (it is now!) Where in the world did you get that from? (after reflection, I can only assume Bon's mom described us as 'dressed like pimps' or something to that effect, and my mom took the ball and ran from there)
Mom: Do you know who has visited your site?! (her voice is rising at this point)
Me: Lots of people.
Mom: The F.B.I., Phil!
Me: (Laughing)..Yes, in fact 'they' have.
Mom: You are going to be in a lot of trouble!
Me: No, I'm not.
Mom: They are watching your site, and you had better take it down!
Me: Let me explain something. Again, I don't know where all of this is coming from. Also, the so-called "FBI" is probably something (Bon's mom) saw on my site tracking software (I assumed I had left my 'sitemeter' logged in at Playaz Ball, thus allowing Bon's mom or siblings to access and view the site's visitors), which I am well aware of. Our site is quite popular among Washingtonians, and I get visitors from all over the place. I've had visitors who work in the Pentagon visit the site. The U.S. Navy. Every beaureau you can think of. If you had ever once seen the site, you would know immediately that no one would look at this site and take it seriously. Not to mention, there is nothing for them to "investigate". In fact, I would love it if the F.B.I. were investigating Playaz Ball.
Mom: I just know that there are key words that you can have on your site that they use to get you.
Me: And how are they going to "get me"?
Mom: The Google, Phil....
Me: The what?
Mom: The Google.
Me: ......The Google.....Well, I guess that's it, then. And what exactly are they going to find on "the google" that is going to bring them to investigate Playaz Ball?
Mom: It just bothers me that your girls are on that website.
Me: (exasperated) Mom, unless you have actually looked at the site yourself, you have no basis to say any of these things. The site is supposed to be funny. It's obvious. It is pretty clean. I don't even use curse words or anything.
Mom: Well, okay. (she's still not satisfied, I can tell, but she drops the subject)

Anway, you can see what fame and celebrity has done to this Playaz' life. It is the price you pay, I guess. Hopefully the next time I post I won't be sitting in a jail cell, guilty of wearing polyester slacks in the summer time, or what-have-you. And look out for The Google. It will get you.

Apple to release special edition "PlayaPod"

2005-09-09T15:17:00.000-04:00

Apple is set to announce the release of a special edition iPod specifically endorsed by the Playaz. It is called the "PlayaPod", and will have a special design and is scheduled to arrive in retail stores everywhere sometime in the next month.

The PlayaPod will be slightly different than the typical iPod, in that the PlayaPod will not play music, but will display downloaded photos of your favorite Playa. The PlayaPod will allow you to view the Playaz in sequence (for example, you may have a set Playa list of Phil, Wayne, Guv'na, Tac, and Bon) or, you may select the "shuffle" mode and view Playaz in a random sequence (Guv'na, Tac, Wayne, Bon, and Phil).

The PlayaPod is expected to retail for $199.99.

"We think the kids will find the PlayaPod very exciting, and we expect it to be our hottest new product," Steve Jobs was quoted as saying. "In addition, the PlayaPod will feature different 'skins' that you can attach to personalize your PlayaPod. We are developing one now that will feature the color scheme of Bon's argyle sweater vest and electric blue slacks," Jobs added.

Proud to be a Playa

2005-09-07T21:34:00.000-04:00

When the Manny (aka, the Guv'na) & I travelled down to Auburn this past weekend, my sister-in-law noticed Manny's cap and exclaimed "you have HATS?!"

Yep. This year, Guv'na had caps made for all the Playaz, and they are quite nice.

Last night, my wife and I went out for a walk with our two girls, and I decided to wear my Playaz Ball cap, without really thinking. Everyone who sees the girls stops us to 'ooh' and 'aah' over them, ask the typical questions ('are they identical?'), so of course we don't even make it to the corner without a couple of our neighbors stopping us. This is the first time we had met these two, and moments afterward it dawned on me that I was wearing my "Playaz Ball 2005" cap. I wondered aloud what they thought when they saw it. Were they confused? Curious? They didn't ask me any questions.

About a mile down the road, a little old lady was taking her trash to the curb. Seeing two little babies rolling her way sent her into a frenzy. My wife and I live in the town I grew up in, so I know most of the folks who still live there. I knew this lady, but it had been a while since she had seen me so I made a point to re-introduce myself, and she of course remembered. Again, I wondered if she noticed the hat. My wife, of course, was embarrassed by this point, but I didn't care.

Then it dawned on me. Of course they knew what Playaz Ball was. Doesn't everyone want to be a Playa? Or know a Playa? They probably realized the significance of their being in my very presence, perhaps not knowing if I was a Playa myself, but at the very least had some sort of in-road with the Playaz.

In 2004, Manny had golf shirts designed for us which we wore with pride. The golf pros never mentioned it, and many on the course asked to have their picture made with us. Wearing the hat the other day made me realize that Playaz Ball is sweeping the nation.

Hopefully when the new website is complete, I will be able to spend time on the merchandise we are selling in our store on the sidebar, and you, too, will be able to feel the pride of wearing your Playaz Ball apparrel for all to see.

The "CHiPs" pilot that never was

2005-09-06T21:13:00.000-04:00

You were probably not aware of this, but Bon and Tac were originally slated to appear on the hit television show "CHiPs", which aired from 1977 until 1983.

That's right. Bon was originally cast as officer "John Baker", and Tac was cast as Sgt. "Joseph Catraire".

The pilot was shot around August of '77, and it looked like the network was going to have a hit on it's hands.
But, a couple of things went astray. As many of you know, the character of "Ponch", played by Erik Estrada, was supposed to be a great handball or raquetball player. In the pilot, Ponch and John are playing a game of raquetball when Bon got a little over-zealous and smashed Estrada over the head with his raquet stemming from a dispute in the score. There was tension on the set ever since. Secondly, Wayne was negotiating the salaries for Bon and Tac, and Wayne felt Bon and Tac deserved the same money as Henry Winkler was making in his role as "The Fonz" on Happy Days. Tac and Bon threatened to hold out until their salary demands were met.

Needless to say, the studio execs replaced Bon and Tac with Larry Wilcox and Robert Pine, and the rest was history.

Be sure and catch our new movie, STV - 2!

2005-09-05T20:58:00.000-04:00

I know you have been waiting for this new movie to come out, starring your favorite Playaz. Well, wait no more! Our new movie, titled Straight To Video 2 (STV-2 for short), is out tomorrow. You probably loved our first movie (Straight To Video), and now you will get its much anticipated sequel.

STV - 2 will feature even more random acts of violence, with less annoying dialogue and "plot". This movie features twice as many jet-ski explosions, firing of two guns at once, train de-railments, and overall death.

This movie promises scenes of the Playaz whipping people with fire hoses, beating people with a car muffler, stabbing them in the ankles, snapping humerous bones, eating vital organs, smashing people in the larynx, jumping into the air, kicking inanimate objects into people's faces, and severing spinal cords.

You do not want to miss it! It is so good that the studio will not even allow the public to see this movie in theaters. Put your orders in now at your local retail mega-store for STV-2.

"Pat Robertson, your wish is my command"

2005-09-05T10:41:00.000-04:00

Pat Robertson got his wish this past week after praying openly for the death of one or more of the Supreme Court Justices when Judge William Rehnquist passed away.

For the last year or two, Robertson has been commanding that the Lord create some openings on the Supreme Court, and since there is pretty much only one way to do that, God obeyed Pat's command.

What I am suprised about, is that Pat did not steer the path of Hurricane Katrina. Pat has claimed responsibility for steering Hurricane Isabel away from his headquarters, as well as altering the paths of Hurricanes Gloria and Felix as well. I guess he felt Lousiana and Mississippi had it coming.

At any rate, we are sorry Judge Rehnquist felt the hand of death, but what Robertson says goes.
The Playaz, of course, salute Judge Rehnquist - an honorable man who wasn't afraid to wear a kangol - you gotta respect that.

Teams that can suck it: Auburn Tigers

2005-09-04T10:37:00.000-04:00

Last night I travelled to the Plains of Auburn, Alabama to watch my beloved Yellow Jackets crush the Auburn Tigers 23-14.

Prior to the game, my brother-in-law, an Auburn graduate, wanted to place a friendly wager on the outcome. Despite the fact that we were 7 point underdogs (sucker bet), I agreed that I would bet straight up, winner take all.

As a result of the inevitable victory, my brother-in-law must strip his car of any Auburn related decals, etc. and replace them with Ga. Tech decals and keep them there for one month. In addition, he must now learn and sing the Ga. Tech fight song before the family in one month, at which point, if sung correctly, he may remove said decals from his car.

I will gladly provide the lyrics, and if you want, even have a guitarist on hand to accompany you. I can't wait.

I’m a Ramblin’ Wreck From Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer.
A helluva helluva helluva helluva helluv an engineer.
Like all the jolly good fellows, I drink my whiskey clear,I’m a Ramblin’ Wreck from Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer.
Oh, If I had a daughter, sir, I’d dress her in White and Gold.
And put her on the campus to cheer the brave and bold.
And if I had a son, sir, I’ll tell you what he’d do,He would yell "TO HELL WITH GEORGIA" like his daddy used to do.
I wish I had a barrel of rum and sugar three thousand pounds,
A college bell to put it in, and a clapper to stir it round.
I’d drink to all the good fellows who come from far and near,I’m a ramblin', gamblin', hell of an engineer, Hey!

Mess with the Playaz, you'll get the horns...

2005-09-02T21:38:00.000-04:00

Look out for the guns...they'll get'cha.

Playaz always arrive in style

2005-08-31T21:41:00.000-04:00

This is a photo taken of the Guv'na and myself when we arrived at Playaz Ball this year. You can see we have just stepped out of our limosine and are heading up the walkway to Headquarters, flanked by the traditional military guard that stand at attention and salute the Playaz at each Playaz Ball.

In the past, the Playaz would arrive under the military "Arch of Sabres", but this year we mixed it up and had them simply present arms as we arrived.

Once we have all arrived, there is a 21-gun salute, followed by a cannon being fired atop Headquarters. Then Larry Holmes traditionally presents the colors and the national anthem is played.

It is quite a moving ceremony.

Once everything is complete and the red carpet is rolled up, that of course is when the Playaz cut loose.

Baby Playaz

2005-08-31T08:00:00.000-04:00

For months now, I have been watching the mind-altering genius of Baby Einstein videos. If you have not seen it (meaning, you have no kids), it is the most bizarre series of photos and live action sequences you have ever seen, and babies will be glued to it for hours. It is something you might watch if you were high.

It got me thinking though. These people are making great truckloads of money. So I think we will steal their idea and make money for ourselves.

I am announcing the development of "Baby Playaz", a video designed to educate and stimulate the minds of young toddlers.

Our videos will be similar in nature to the Einstein ones, but not so much that they can sue us.

We will enthrall babies with our glaring visage emitting from their television sets. They will not be able to take their eyes off of our colorful cardigans and turtlenecks.

It is well known that little babies eyes are stimulated by various patterns and shapes, and our videos will provide that as well. Imagine your baby staring at Bon's argyle sweater for hours on end, soaking in the knowledge. Your child will be a genius when he or she watches our Baby Playaz videos.

Of course, the video will also include plenty of other visual stimuli that will keep your child's attention such as artistic renderings seen here.

We will also merchandise and develop puppets that will help your baby learn. On this version, we have attached antlers onto the Tac puppet that will amuse your child. The Tac puppet can be used to talk to your toddler about the dangers of "mini-whites". Or, if your child is not behaving, you may use the Tac puppet to shout profanities at your child to get him or her to be quiet, or the puppet will become even more angry.

So be on the lookout for this exciting new product that should be hitting the shelves soon.

The night Kenny came to Playaz Ball

2005-08-30T09:06:00.000-04:00

It was truly a magical night. It was the night Kenny Rogers arrived at Playaz Ball.

The Playaz had been waiting with eager anticipation of Kenny's arrival, plus the $15,000.00 worth of coke snorted just hours earlier and you could say the Playaz were a bit on edge, so to speak.

Suddenly, Bon heard a knock at the door. "Could it be?" we all exclaimed.

Bon opened the door, and there stood Kenny, bearing gifts for all.

Tears streamed down Bon's face. It was truly an emotional moment for the Playaz.

Kenny was gracious and hung around for a while. We knew he had to be getting on his way soon, but Kenny did a few eight balls, plugged his "Mr. Microphone" into our karaoke machine and partied into the wee hours with us before heading off in his white stretch limo.

I wish you all could have been there, and we can't wait for PB '06!

Tac's purchases

2005-08-29T16:32:00.000-04:00

Tac shares with us his purchases for today:

1. A boatload of clothing bought for my wife. Yes, I am outstanding at picking out women's clothing.

2. Clinique for Tac

3. GNC - Xyience - Extreme Science / Xtreme Testosterone - Dietary Supplements

4. GNC -

5. GNC - Instone Leanfire (Advanced Fat Loss and Energy solution) - Dietary Supplements

6. Freebee - the salesman at GNC gave me one Vigor-25 (watch out Wendy) Herbal Supplement

I can see Tac now, in his briefs, oiled up with all forms of Clinique lotions, in a testosterone-induced rage from the multiple GNC supplements, hopped up on Vigor-25 and then savaging his wife for 24 hours straight.

Wayne's basement

2005-08-29T10:00:00.000-04:00

For the last few months, Wayne's basement is being finished by none other than Tac himself. Upon completion, it is supposed to be the location of the DVD release party.

Below is a rough floorplan Tac sketched out for Wayne's review before he began construction. I added the suggestion for the room you see in the lower right (click to enlarge).

I thought this was an ideal suggestion, particularly for the DVD release. The Playaz' wives and children could congregate outside the 'Playaz Media Room' and allow the Playaz to watch the DVD in silence, uninterrupted.

America's Funniest Embarassing Moments at Blockbuster Video

2005-08-26T09:52:00.000-04:00

The DVD is nearly complete. We have two versions. There is Tac's, which reportedly is about 22 minutes in length, and mine, which as of this morning is nearly 30 minutes long. Since I haven't had time to round up photos, I've decided to share with you random things like the drawings below, and today's story, which I hope you will find humorous. It is about a bizarre sequence of events that happened to me at a Blockbuster Video some years ago, while being pursued by 'video nazis' (rcr *wink*).

One particular evening I was dog-sitting for my cousin, and being rather bored decided to cruise over to the local Blockbuster. For reasons unknown, I had a strong desire to watch the movie Halloween. I've always liked the movie, I just can't explain why on this night I was dead-set on renting it.

So, I get to the store and go in and I head over to the "horror" section. The store is fairly crowded that night and there is a group of two guys and two girls standing in the aisle where I knew Halloween would be. I can see about where they are standing that Halloween is situated right in front of them, and the movie is in. I hang back and act as if I'm browsing while they yammer on about whatever crap they are going to rent, waiting for them to eventually leave and go pick up My Best Friend's Wedding or something like that. Then, I hear one of the girls say, "Ooh! What about Halloween?" The group begins debating about it. "No!!", I'm thinking. The girl is adamant that they get it, but the others in the group aren't convinced yet. Finally, one of the guys suggests they look just a little more first.

As the group begins to move to the "new releases" section, I slowly inch my way down to their end of the aisle. As soon as I determine their attention is drawn elsewhere, I make my move and grab Halloween. I want to make a quick getwaway so I immediately turn around and begin walking away with my video. Not two seconds after I begin walking do I hear behind me, "Oh my God! It's gone!" My pace doubles.

Now here's the tricky part. I was the only one in the ailse with them at the time, so I can't go straight to the register, or obviously I'm the one who took the video. So I head to the opposite end of the store to act as if I'm still thinking. Second problem. As I'm walking away, I hear one of the girls say "I think that guy took it." Well, now we've just taken this to a whole new level. The video is in my hand (I'm holding the video in front of me so they can't tell for sure if I have anything or not - at least that's what I'm thinking), and I can't let them know it's in my hand, so I have to discard it somewhere else in the store. Why is all of this running through my mind, you ask? I don't know, but for some reason, I didn't want them to think I rented Halloween because I overheard them saying they wanted to rent it. It was my idea first, doggone it!! So I dump the video somewhere in the "Romance" section and then pretend to look at the new releases.

As I am acting as if nothing is wrong and I clearly have not made up my mind and certainly didn't just pick up and hide any videos, the girl approaches me.

"Um, did you just pick up Halloween and then hide it somewhere?" she asked. "No. No, I sure didn't," I said back to her giving her a blank stare. A few seconds of awkward silence ensues. "Um...okay....," she finally says and goes back to her group.

Now what? I've completely dug myself into a hole now. I can't very well get the video while these knuckleheads are still in the store, watching me with their accusatory glances and stares. And I'm not going to stand around and wait them out either. The fact that I had just been busted, so to speak and despite my adamant denials, made me a little uncomfortable to be quite honest with you. So, I decided to leave, Halloween tucked safely away. If I couldn't rent it, neither could they.

I have no idea why I couldn't just own up to it and say I was sorry but I planned on renting the video before I got to the store. I completley panicked, in a sense, but once the wheels started turning, there was no way to stop it. And frankly, I loved every minute of it.

To my knowledge, Halloween may still very well be resting behind Romancing The Stone to this day. I will say this: I laughed the entire ride home.

Artwork

2005-08-25T12:40:00.000-04:00

During this "down time" when I don't have much time to be creative here on the blog, due to juggling of my time between work, the twins, and alienating my family with the dvd I'm working on, I decided to post some of my amusing artwork for your enjoyment.

These are crude drawings I did with only my mouse and Paint program.

This is a sample of a comic strip I would draw when I was in Junior High and High School. For some strange reason, I found it funny to draw Sesame Street characters with murderous tendancies. And not simply killing people, but going so far as drawing muppets involved in dismemberment, cannibalism, bludgeoning, etc. The typical comic strip would go as follows: Grover & Bert would be minding their own business, only to have Mr. Hooper anger or annoy them in some form or fashion, and then the mayhem would ensue. This photo depicts Manny as our victim to Grover & Bert's maniacal tendencies. ( Manny's ears are red because I always drew him with sunburned ears - another story for another time) Later, my classmates caught on and strangely, they liked it too. Next thing you know, I'm drawing flip-book style action sequences of Grover punching off the head of someone into Bert's mouth, who eats it and then vomits it back into Grover's mouth. And I'm talking, girls would ask me to draw this. No, I'm not kidding. The more violent I could make it, the funnier it would be to me that people actually requested it.

This is a drawing of what it might look like if the Playaz' became Larry Holmes's corner men in his inevitable return to the ring to fight George Foreman.

This is my drawing depicting the time Manny's father appeared before the enitre high school dressed as Willie Nelson, unbeknownst to Manny, to sing a song he had written as the theme to our annual Fall Festival, "Frog Hollow". It still ranks as one of the greatest moments of my life.

This drawing was my idea for a Playaz Christmas card, which spawned many of the holiday photos you have seen on this blog.

This is a drawing I made as a rough idea of what our website would be like (before this blog came about and I realized I had no idea about anything to do with HTML). Here is a sneak peek at what our website will actually look like (just the first draft) www.playazball.com .

I'm not sure how to explain this one, except that it always made me laugh. Somehow we got on the discussion about how we are all worried about the well-being of our kids, and how do you know who is and who isn't a pedophile. I think I mentioned that clowns in the children's entertainment field would be suspect with me, but how would you know? I'm sure there are plenty of good guys who don't deserve that kind of scrutiny. So I drew this business card, that would include a pledge that would help ease the parents' minds when hiring for their kid's next birthday.

Random stuff - Playaz Ball aftermath

2005-08-23T15:38:00.000-04:00

The Playaz received numerous injuries following this year's Playaz Ball. I think we all either tore cartiledge or pulled muscles playing a game of football on the beach. Apparently, out of shape men in their 30s should be advised not to break into sudden sprints, or physical exertion of any kind.

Also, I think I bruised or cracked a rib. That injury came from me going down this thing:

Supposedly, I exceeded the weight limit recommendation by about 100-120 lbs. and hit the concrete on the side of the pool on the way down.

After PB '05, the Playaz were famished, having not eaten any solids in over 2 days. We headed in to downtown Charleston from Playaz HQ looking for something good to eat. Charleston is known for having delicious seafood, and I think we found the best seafood restaurant in all of Charleston.

It's called "Red Lobster", and it is delicious! Normally, you go into one of these 'finer' seafood establishments and are forced to eat whatever they pulled in off of the dock that day. Not Red Lobster. Red Lobster keeps the food frozen, so that you can eat it whenever you like, whether it be that day, or 10 days from now! That's service! Needless to say, if you are ever in the Charleston area, the Playaz highly recommend you check out this Red Lobster.

Good to be back

2005-08-23T09:18:00.000-04:00

Well, in a manner of speaking.

After I have a little time to decompress I will post more updates and throw in a few more photos for you. Plus, Tac & I have a DVD to produce, so that is going to take some time. I'll try not to let things get slow around here, but bear with me if they do.

By the way, when did Pat Robertson officially lose his mind? Was it when he prayed for the death of several Supreme Court justices, or this?

Day 4 - The end of Playaz Ball

2005-08-21T08:59:00.000-04:00

Day 2 & 3 - Conway Twitty posthumously inducted into Playaz Ball Hall of Fame

2005-08-21T00:51:00.000-04:00

DAY 2

Conway

Tac is on hand to document the induction ceremony

Bon makes his case to the Playaz as to why Conway is worthy of induction into the PHOF .

As legal counsel, Wayne discussed with Bon common-law rights Conway Twitty may have regarding invasion of privacy for the Playaz' financial gain .

The vote passes, and the Playaz place a congratulatory phone call to Conway's living relatives; a rave ensues .

Following the all night Conway Twitty Rave, Guv'na passes out on the toilet with a bottle of quaaludes

DAY 3

Guv'na & Phil de-toxing in the summer sun

Livin' the dream

Technical Difficulties

2005-08-20T11:30:00.000-04:00

This is Phil's wife. I will remain unnamed. The Playaz internet connection is down.I am sure Phil will be posting more pictures once it is up and running. Thank you for your patience and for logging on to Playaz Ball.

Playaz Ball Day 1 - The party don't start 'til we walk in...

2005-08-18T22:57:00.000-04:00

....probably won't leave 'til the thing ends.

Playaz depart for Playaz Ball on Marine One

2005-08-18T07:29:00.000-04:00

President Bush gave the Playaz use of his Marine One helicopter Thursday to take them to their headquarters for Playaz Ball 2005. The Playaz normal pilot also serves as the President's pilot for Marine One, and due to a mix-up between the Presiden'ts vacation and Playaz Ball, the pilot was double booked on Thursday. The President offered to make it up to the Playaz by giving us a ride.

Bush is pictured waving goodbye to reporters who had assembled to cover the historic moment, as we share a laugh together over the scheduling mishap before boarding Marine One. Bon decided that at some point in the flight, he would grab the President while he is napping and insert the President's head in the aircraft's toilet as a prank in retribution for the his error.

President Bush said he would go along on the trip, but would not be staying at Playaz Ball and would be continuing on to his vacation destination upon dropping off the Playaz at their undisclosed headquarters.

As promised, we will do our very best to update you as to PB '05, schedule permitting!

'Twas the night before Playaz Ball

2005-08-17T10:00:00.000-04:00

Twas the night before Playaz Ball, when all through the house
Not a Playa was stirring, not even a mouse,
The kangols were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Kenny Rogers soon would be there.
The Playaz were nestled all snug in their bed,
While visions of Larry Holmes danced in their heads,
And Bon in his cardigan, and Wayne in his cap,
Tac just settled his head for a long winter's nap...
When out in the bush there arose such a clatter,
Guv'na sprang from the children's bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the white Charleston sands
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the Playaz' multitude of fans,
When, what did our wondering eyes see through the light so dim?,
But a white stretch limo, packed with a cooler full of bream,
With a grey bearded passenger, though surely no codger,
We knew in a moment it must be Kenny Rogers
More rapid than eagles the Playaz they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called the Playaz by name:
"Now, Playaz! now, Guvn'na! now Wayne and Tac!
On, Bon! on Phil! the Gambler is back!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
So out to the driveway the Playaz they flew,
With the limo full of tasty bream, and Kenny Rogers too.
Guv'na greeted Kenny, dressed in fur from his head to his foot,
And his mink coat was tarnished with vomit and soot.
A fresh kill of geese Bon had flung in his sack,
And he looked like a true Playa welcoming Kenny back.
Kenny's eyes -- how they twinkled -- his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his chest very hairy!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe the Playaz' held tight in their teeth,
And the smoke it encircled Kenny's head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook, when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, and in our adulation he did bask,
Though we laughed when we saw him, in his favorite leather mask.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon let Playaz to know we had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He filled our stockings with Gentleman Jack; then turned with a jerk,
Kenny then layed his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney Kenny rose.
He sprang to his limo, to head on his way,
And away he and Larry Holmes drove to meet Diane Parkinson for a 3-way.
But we heard Kenny exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Playaz Ball to all, and to all a good-night!"

Think I have a lot of time on my hands?

2005-08-16T13:42:00.000-04:00

Quarters

Playa twins

2005-08-15T20:56:00.000-04:00

Was clearing out the memory in my camera today in order to document Playaz Ball, and ran into this photo of my twins.

They are a chip off the old block. They are similar in many ways, except for their unusual hair-growth pattern.

Larry & Kenny agree: Playaz Ball will go on

2005-08-14T12:21:00.000-04:00

Former world heavyweight champion Larry Holmes and country music legend Kenny Rogers have reached an accord that despite threatening weather reports, Playaz Ball 2005 will in fact go on as originally scheduled.

The agreement was signed last night as eleventh hour negotiations amongst Larry, Kenny, a team of arbitrators, and the Playaz went on into the wee hours of Sunday morning. Kenny had long been in favor of ensuring Playaz Ball would not veer off schedule, but Larry had been concerned of a "bad cloud" coming up and disrupting Playaz Ball. A conference call with Storm Tracker John John Mackey assured Larry that Irene would not interfere.

Now, tropical depression Jose is forming in the Atlantic, but with the Playaz' demonstrating their control over weather fronts, Larry is not concerneed about Jose.

"We are pleased Larry signed the accord with Kenny to keep Playaz Ball set," the Playaz said in a press release Sunday.

Playaz Ball Itinerary

2005-08-12T18:22:00.000-04:00

Below is a first draft of the itinerary for Thursday at Playaz Ball 2005:

7:00 am - Arise
7:30 am - Take inventory of turtlenecks, pipes, kangols, J.C. movie, speedo, autographed photo of Conway Twitty, scorpion medallion, stuffed beaver
8:00 am - depart for Bon's
8:30 am - arrive at Bon's. Package and ship Bon's weapons to Charleston, SC
8:31 am - kill one last goose swimming in Bon's lake
8:35 am - purchase doughnuts, bourbon.
9:00 am - arrive at Tac's to pick up Tac, Wayne & the Guv'na; officially depart for Playaz Ball.
9:01 am - 12:30 pm - listen to CDs of Kenny Rogers, Sonny James, & Conway Twitty
12:35 pm - pick up Guv'na's high-wheeled bicycle (refitted with new horse-hide seat)
12:45 pm - Cross bridge into the Island of the Palm Trees
1:00 pm - Arrive at secured, undisclosed location (PB Headquarters)
1:10 pm - File temporary restraining order on neighbor accusing Playaz of untamed shrubbery growth.
1:15 pm - Greet Kenny Rogers & Larry Holmes upon official arrival.
1:16 pm - Ribbon cutting ceremony held by Kenny & Larry.
1:17 pm - Kenny and Larry depart.
1:20 pm - Take cooler of ice cold adult beverages and head to beach.
1:21 pm - 3:30 pm - Sit on beach. Live the dream.
3:31 pm - Head to pool.
3:32 pm - 4:32 pm - Sit in pool.
4:35 pm - Nap.
5:00 pm - prepare for shrimp broil.
5:15 pm - eat shrimp.
6:15 pm - Tac takes nap.
7:00 pm - Wake up Tac.
7:05 pm - 9:00 pm - Wayne gives legal briefing on lawsuit filed for Playaz HQ having shrubbery that "blocks ocean breezes" of neighbor.
9:05 pm - Decide to burn down neighbor's house.
9:30 pm - Review Playaz, Inc.'s financials, fiscal year 2004. Stock holders review.
10:30 pm - Conway Twitty discussed as potential candidate to be posthumously inducted in the Playaz Hall of Fame.
11:00 pm - Conference call with Twitty's surviving relatives in Kentucky to confirm/deny Conway's acceptance.
11:40 pm - eat pie.
12:00 am - Recording session, involving remakes of Sonny James classic "Red Mud", "Dawn". Rave to ensue.
1:00 am - Tac demands a camel be brought to Playaz HQ.
2:00 am - Tuck Guv'na into children's bed upstairs.
2:30 am - Lights out for Playaz. Big day Friday involving golf, beach, pool, repeat.

Irene is a dirty #@$*!!

2005-08-11T08:36:00.000-04:00

UPDATE!: It appears the Playaz threats are working! Irene knows her place, and it is not Playaz Ball. See the inset of Bon punching Irene up the Northeastern coast.

Tropical depression Irene has decided to play with fire and threaten to turn into Tropical Storm Irene and mess with Playaz Ball! Latest weather reports show Irene gaining strength and has made a turn to the northwest, and could possibly hit the Carolina coast sometime next week.

The Playaz however, have consutled with John John Mackey's Storm Tracker Accu-Cast, and if provoked, John John and the Playaz will force that dirty pirate hooker Irene back out to sea. When John John Mackey meets a storm, John John is like, "What's up b****?", and the storm is all "Not much, sir," and John John is like "That's what I thought, now go make me a sandwich."

I'm telling you, the Playaz are forming a front of their own, and Irene better not interfere with next week's Playaz Ball, or she will wish she never lowered her pressure and organized circulation in the center of her thunderstorms!!

Do not mess with this front, Irene!

Mount Rushmore gets extreme makeover, Playaz-style

2005-08-08T11:13:00.000-04:00

The National Parks Service decided it was time. The historic landmark that has looked over the South Dakota plains for more than 70 years has received a makeover. The familiar faces of former U.S. Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt have been replaced with more contemporary names of Wayne, Phil, Bon, and Manny. Tac completed the reconstruction just last week after painstakingly toiling night and day with nothing more than a chisel & ball-peen hammer. Tac plans to add himself to the sculpture after Playaz Ball.

"We decided that the park had become a bit dated," said one park official. "It was time to update things a bit, something that the kids could identify with. I mean, those other guys had been up there forever, and they're all dead."

The idea was approved by the U.S. Department of the Interior, which oversees the Parks Department. Gale Norton, the secretary of the interior felt that the Playaz best represented today's American values, and commissioned Tac to perform the task.

"The new sculpture is amazingly lifelike," Norton said. "I mean, it almost looks real. Those guys are just staring at you...kind of creepy, really," Norton added, gazing at the Playaz visage. "Um, I gotta go now."

Tac reportedly lived in the nostril of Abraham Lincloln while renovating the monument, living on a diet of coffee and mini-whites to keep him working almost around the clock, with periodic breaks for sleep or shelter.

It is expected Tac will complete the new Rushmore by 2007 with Tac's face added to the right of Manny's (the Guv'na).

Getting back to nature

2005-08-07T13:34:00.000-04:00

We had a great weekend - did a little whitewater rafting in the North Georgia mountains. Killed a couple of backwoods mountain men. My favorite part of the trip was when Kenny played a little 'Dueling Banjos' with an inbred retarded kid we met on the way to the river.

Hope you all had a good weekend as well.

Letters from the President

2005-08-06T11:08:00.000-04:00

I was going through some of our old files and dug up these letters we received from former Presidents Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan. Brought back some old memories. Take a look:

Little did President Carter know that the Playaz were Republicans.

Also, little known trivia fact, it was President Ronald Reagan who coined the anacronym "Laugh Out Loud" (LOL) before email and internet were even popular.

Playaz outraged by rising oil prices; challenge the Iron Sheik to steel cage match

2005-08-04T22:38:00.000-04:00

The continued rise of crude oil prices have angered the Playaz to the point that they have decided to take action once and for all, and have challenged the Iron Sheik to a steel cage death match in the upcoming week.

Bon & Tac will be fighting as "The Rock 'N Roll Express" versus the Sheik, who is expected to tap Abdullah the Butcher as his tag-team partner.

The no-holds-barred match will lock the Sheik in a steel cage surrounding the ring with the Playaz. There will be no "three-count" by the referee. Only a surrender by either the Sheik or the Playaz will determine the victor, and a Playaz victory will mean the Sheik will not only be forced to lower the prices of the Middle East's crude oil supply, but he will also have endure personal humiliation by bowing down to the American flag and kiss the bottom of Bon & Tac's boots before thousands of fans.

"We are sick and tired of those towel-heads raising the price of our gasoline, and I am personally going to put a stop to it by putting the Sheik in a figure four while Tac finishes him off with the mandible claw of death!" shouted a red faced Bon. Bon then began shouting "U-S-A" to the delight of the fans.

The Sheik, in turn, vowed to make the Playaz crawl like the American scum that they are before boiling their innards for his own consumption. The Sheik then proceeded to spit on what appeared to be a copy of the Declaration of Independence.

It is expected that Phil, Wayne, & the Guv'na will be waiting backstage in case any "funny business" takes place during the match.

Inspirational Posters

2005-08-03T21:43:00.000-04:00

I have designed a few humorous and inspirational posters for you readers to print out and hang in your office, cubicle, or home. They are they kind of posters you see that bring a smile to your face, with funny sayings like "One of these days I'm going to get organ-i-z-i-z-e-d" and an accompanying photo of a very messy person like yourself.

So feel free to to take one or all, blow it up to 24x36 and hang it up and watch your co-workers light up with glee when they see you with these witty, yet philosophical posters.

Also, a special thanks to our friends at Rock Creek Rambler for noticing our little corner of the blog-world. By the way, is there anyone in Washington D.C. who doesn't have their own blog?

What's with the costumes of today?

2005-08-03T09:48:00.000-04:00

Now that I have kids, we get all sorts of catalogues and stuff in a fruitless attempt to get us to spend more money. One catalog in particular caught my eye the other day. It had Halloween costumes. I was amazed at how far the costume technology has advanced from when I was little. Take a look at a few examples:
I mean, they are made of real fabric! They have actual 'muscles' built-in. Captain America even has a real shield for crying out loud!
We all remember the garbage we used to wear. And when I say 'garbage', I mean it almost literally as the costumes of yesteryear were nothing more than a plastic mask and a hefty bag draped over you. Also, I was always amused that the costume being worn also had a depiction of the person/thing of the costume you were wearing on the costume itself.

A Darth Vader costume would naturally have a picture of Darth Vader on the chest, in case you forgot or didn't know who it was you were looking at.
Bon & I went the homemade route one year, dressing up as the Hulk. But we didn't have the luxury of 'muscles' like today's costumes have. We had to stuff pillows or cotton into our shirts. Bon's mother forced him to wear agreen sweatshirt which totally ruined the effect of the Hulk, who of course wore no shirt, or at least the torn up shirt of David Banner. But then again, I wasn't much more convincing without my shirt as a 62 pound green-painted kid. Now you can simply purchase a Hulk costume and look exactly like him, anatomy and all.

At any rate, it's a shame that our childhoods have been robbed by being forced to wear such terrible Halloween costumes compared to today. If only more money had been put into the research!

Oh well. You can tell it hasn't affected me, really. I am the same old mustachioed person I have been since I was 12.

Discovery repair update!: Bush phones Tac in outerspace to find out how much the bill is to fix Discovery

2005-08-02T14:21:00.000-04:00

President Bush recently phoned the astronauts aboard the space shuttle Discovery to assure them that everything was being taken care of and that he wished them a safe voyage home.

Then, the President asked one of the crew members if they could put Tac on the phone to discuss the repair invoice the President received for Tac's outerspace work on the Discovery.

Bush was a bit taken aback by the $572 bill. Tac informed the President that there was an $80 "Service Call", and that he replaced a defective circuit breaker, installed a new surge suppressor, and stapled down any loose heat shields ($334 in parts and labor). Bush then asked what was a $158 charge that was written next to something illegible. "Permits," Tac responded.

President Bush then asked if Tac would take a personal check.

Playaz remain involved in world affairs

2005-08-01T21:38:00.000-04:00

The Playaz remain highly involved in national and international affairs. Below are a few photos of us consulting with the President and other world leaders.

Wayne and Bush wear ponchos together
Bon ignores a joke by Karl Rove as Colin Powell looks on
Phil, Tac, and the Guv'na at the G8 Summit

Tac sent into outerspace to repair Discovery

2005-07-31T17:41:00.000-04:00

NASA recently sent Tac into the Earth's orbit yesterday to repair any damage done to the space shuttle Discovery after concerns that heat shields broken off during the launch may have hit the Discovery's hull.

An IBEW certified journeyman electrician, Tac was NASA's best hope to fix whatever problems the Discovery may be having as a result of the potential damage.

"We needed the best, and with Tac's experience in repairing complicated systems such as circuit breakers, running conduits, pull wire, soldering coax, we feel he is the man we can most trust," says one NASA spokesman.

Tac says he plans to read the space shuttle's Owner's Manual once he arrives to determine how best to repair the shuttle. "It'll be no problem," Tac says.

For the ladies

2005-07-30T15:28:00.000-04:00

Imagine yourself, waited on hand and foot by a Playa in a silken robe...Wayne will burn scented candles for you to heighten your olfactory senses....Allow the Guv'na to massage your feet with his many oils...Bon will sautee a bream for you...Tac will apply just the right amount of tartar sauce to the bream, and will delicately wipe your mouth with a linen napkin....I will strum a Kenny Rogers tune of your choosing on my mandolin...

This blog is for you, ladies. Seduction....Playaz-style.

When Kenny left the bookstore, not a Gatlin boy was standin'

2005-07-30T14:11:00.000-04:00

Put simply, do not mess with Kenny Rogers.

Larry Holmes & The Playaz

2005-07-29T00:05:00.000-04:00

You have probably read the story of how the Playaz came to know Kenny Rogers, but many of you are wondering how we came to know and respect the great Larry Holmes.

The year was 1982. I was an up-an-coming fighter, and Larry was the heavyweight champion of the world. Thanks to having Wayne as an excellent manager, it was arranged that I would fight Larry Holmes for the heavyweight championship of the world. Granted, I was about 30 pounds overweight and was smoking roughly 3 packs of cigarettes a day, so it could be argued I had no business being in the ring with Larry Holmes. As you can see, I even smoked while in the ring. But it was my shot, and it meant a big payday for the Playaz.

Tac was my trainer, Bon my corner man, and the Guv'na my cut man. Needless to say, while I had the best in my corner, Larry beat me like a rented mule. I think it was the cigarette that incensed Larry the most. He kept trying to knock it loose, but without success. Each round I'd simply come out with a new one. (I know what you are thinking, but the rules were different back then - hey, it was 1982! Everyone smoked!) But, I stood up to Larry for 15 rounds and lost by unanimous decision.

Afterwards, Larry came over to my corner and told me he really respected me and complimented my team. He invited all of us to his Ringside restaurant in Easton, Pennsylvania, and we all sat around and listened to Larry tell tales of his rise to the top, and his dreams of one day becoming an astronaut.

Since then, Larry and the Playaz have remained close. Larry phones us each year to wish us well before we head off to Playaz Ball. Every year the Playaz send Larry a Christmas card.

But I will never forget that night, or the tremendous beating I received from a great champion.

Oh, the humanity!

2005-07-28T01:55:00.000-04:00

I have been living in my own fiery hell recently as my air-conditioning went out the other day. Here in my home state of Georgia, the heat index has been hovering around the 105 degree mark for the past three days. I noticed on the thermostat that my living room and downstairs was at a balmy 83 degrees and rising.

So basically I've been forced to live in the nude, with a consistent layer of sweat glistening off my body working as nature's air conditioner.

With my skin bubbling to a simmering broil, I called around to several air-conditioning companies to come look at my unit (the hvac unit outside, not my genitalia), but the earliest anyone could come out was next week. No good. Fortunately, Tac hooked me up with one of his many connections and had a man out the same day to fix the inferno that was my house.

I am pleased to say that my air-conditioner is back up and running!

So, thank you Tac! I have a crisp $5 bill waiting for you for your troubles.

Life in my un-airconditioned house

Cracked rear view

2005-07-27T17:49:00.000-04:00

Thanks to some genius mailbox installations, Tac recently had his side mirror on his Chevy Z-71 pickup (yeah, c'mon) broken due to one particular mailbox installed too close to the curb so that it stuck out into the roadway.

Normally, Tac would have taken a baseball bat to the offending mailbox and the gentleman who installed it, but Tac decided he needed some monetary restitution in addition to an ass whipping.

And that's when you call this man:

I know of no man who wishes to be found liable for punitive and compensatory damages in a court of law, and receive a roundhouse kick to the face by the plantiff's attorney.

Justice will be served.

Making our own action

2005-07-26T09:48:00.000-04:00

Well, the Tour de France is over, and Lance Armstrong wins again...now the Playaz need to take some time for themselves. We are all out doing our own thing, revisiting some hobbies we love, getting some fresh air. Doing what the Playaz love to do.

This is way we (blog)roll

2005-07-25T10:00:00.000-04:00

Recently Playaz Ball received some complimentary (?) words from one our many, many fans at Plunjerbunni.

In his post, he questions how long the Playaz can 'mine the lode', and I am here to say that we have not yet reached the tip of this iceberg. We are currently developing www.playazball.com that will hopefully open a vast array of things the Playaz have in store for you that our simple blog is not capable of. It is then that the Playaz will blow up, Kenny-style.

Until then, we are simply forced to relay to you our day-to-day activities. Once the full website is up and running, you will hopefully be able to watch Playa Video, listen to our phone calls from Larry Holmes, etc.

And none of that includes what will come forth from Playaz Ball 2005, less than a month away.

Thanks for the link, Plunjer, and keep watching the Playaz!

Tour de Playaz

2005-07-23T14:26:00.000-04:00

"Team Playaz" are currently cycling their way through the 2005 Tour de France in an effort to help American Lance Armstrong win his final Tour de France.

The Playaz finished Stage 20 with ease, drafting Armstrong and helping fend off challengers by blocking their path.

The Playaz have little or no bicycle training, yet their superior strength and stamina make it no problem for the Playaz to complete the thousands of kilometers it takes to finish the course.

Today the Playaz will ride 144 km through Paris in Stage 21.

"I owe my yellow jersey to the Playaz," Armstrong was quoted as saying. "Without their support and encouragement, I would not have been able to win 7 tours," he said. ""It's a dream for me," Armstrong said of having the Playaz there. Tears filled his eyes as he pointed to them, their mother Linda and his girlfriend Sheryl Crow.

'Asscorn' sweeping the nation!

2005-07-22T14:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I discussed my insightfulness and entertaining comments on other people's blogs. One such blogger who goes by DC Cookie broached the subject of people simply adding a one-syllable noun to the end of the word "ass", and I gave a few examples and thus,coined the phrase "asscorn".

It appears to be working wonderfully, as cited by uses of the word here and on D.C. Sports latest blog here.

Hopefully, my legacy when I die will be that 'asscorn' has worked its way into everyday conversation and a spot in Webster's Dictionary.

I am on a roll

2005-07-21T16:01:00.000-04:00

In addition to the genius that is the Playaz Ball blog, I like to surf around a few other places and see what's going on in other blog-worlds. Lately, I've been on a roll with my witticisms and insightful comments.

Check out what I have to say about backpacks, sunglasses, and other fashion faux pas on the CPMC. Also, I am very funny on Blackberry Debutantes. They love me over there. I also chime in on the Jude Law scandal.

Well, that's just a sample. If you have a blog, be on the lookout for Phil's hilarious take on your blog. Especially if you live in the D.C. area.

The Greatest Movie Of All Time

2005-07-21T15:32:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen "J.C.", the greatest movie of all time, then you do not appreciate the fine art of movie making.

I really can't do it justice here, so I'll let you read this review from Rotten Tomatoes.

My dad was in this movie. Yes, that's him second from the left, wearing the "Gilligan"-style hat. J.C. even drove his motorcycle into my dad's brand new car (actor Bill McGaha did not know how to ride a motorcycle). Prior to that, J.C. drove one of the actors into a brick wall, breaking his back.

Nevertheless, J.C. has stood the test of time, and has proven itself to be the greatest movie ever. If you can find a copy of this movie, I encourage you to buy it.

Bush taps Wayne as Supreme Court nominee

2005-07-19T21:55:00.000-04:00

President Bush announced that Playa Wayne shall be his nominee to the United States Supreme Court.

Wayne's experience as the Playaz legal counsel is what impressed Bush the most, successfully defending the Playaz in numerous cases of various charges, as well as spear-heading many Playa lawsuits against sometimes unsuspecting litigants. Recently, Wayne won a judgement of 1,500 bream for the Playaz against a neighbor who unknowingly poisoned many of the Playaz' fish.

"It is Wayne's wisdom in such cases as mass bream killings, dog maulings, and untamed shrubbery growth that are currently plaguing our nation that caused me to choose Wayne to sit on the Supreme Court," President Bush was quoted as saying.

It is expected that Wayne will be approved quickly by both the Congress and Senate, lest opposing members receive a "visit" from the Playaz.

Separated at birth?

2005-07-19T10:40:00.000-04:00

One of our loyal readers recently pointed out the similarities between our own Guv'na, and Mr. Monopoly.

While Mr. Monopoly wears a top-hat, Guv'na is known to wear a Kangol. However, they are both known to live lavish lifestyles and make poor real estate investments. The Guv'na has spent time in jail, and has won $10 in a beauty contest.

Separated at birth? You be the judge.

I don't want to work

2005-07-18T17:36:00.000-04:00

I only want to bang on the drum all day.

Bon's testimony before Congress

2005-07-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

Many of you may not be aware of this, but in March of this year, Bon was subpoenaed to testify along with Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, Raphael Palmiero and Curt Schilling before Congress regarding abuses of steroids in professional sports.

While other stars of the sport were reluctanct to testify openly, it was Bon's testimony that encouraged baseball to enact stiffer penalties for those players caught abusing the drug.

Bon arrived in a red izod cardigan sweater, kangol, and turtleneck. But in a stunning turn of events, Bon chose to remove his sweater and turtleneck and testified shirtless before Congress, in an effort to demonstrate what a natural-toned body should look like. Bon's glistening shirtless appearance impressed congress greatly, and along with Bon's impassioned plea for banning the drug, caused Congress to seriously reprimand baseball commissioner Bud Selig to step up his efforts to eliminate abuse.

It appears to have worked. As we have passed the 'midway' point in the baseball season, players are visibly smaller, and home runs are fewer. A job well done, Bon.

Selig listens intently to Bon's testimony

Respect...

2005-07-16T10:50:00.000-04:00

Guv'na's got a brand new bag

2005-07-15T12:43:00.000-04:00

The Guv'na got a new job recently. Well, sort of.

Instead of consulting companies on the implementation of computer software, he will now be selling the same consultation services he once performed himself.

In light of the Guv'na's soon-to-be new job, I have designed a business card for the Guv'na to hand out to potential clients.

How could you say 'no' to this man?

A look into the future....

2005-07-14T15:03:00.000-04:00

Guv'na to throw out first pitch at MLB All-Star game

2005-07-12T17:23:00.000-04:00

Manny (aka The Guv'na) will be throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the Major League All-Star game tonight in Detroit.

The Guv'na will throw a fast-ball for a perfect strike, at no less than 96 m.p.h. on the radar gun. He will then exit the field without speaking to any players, coaches, umpires, or reporters, before retiring to a private box somewhere in Tiger Stadium.

The Guv'na has invited such luminaries as Kenny Rogers, Sonny James, Larry Holmes, and Gunther Gebel-Williams to join him in his private suite to view the game.

It is also expected that Manny will sing "God Bless America" during the 7th inning stretch.

NASA commissions Playaz, Kenny Rogers, & Larry Holmes to lead new space mission

2005-07-11T20:12:00.000-04:00

Associated Press (AP) - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has asked Kenny Rogers and Larry Holmes to lead a top secret mission into outer space. Kenny and Larry have reportedly agreed to the mission and have hand-picked the Playaz to be members of their crew.

The Playaz, Kenny and Larry are scheduled to launch sometime in the fall of 2006 to parts of the galaxy unknown.

It is widely speculated as to what this top secret mission will entail. Some reports claim that the Playaz will be seeking out alien life forms. Other reports contend that NASA is sending the crew consisting of the former heavyweight champion of the world and country music legend to lead a new colony on some faraway planet.

The Playaz have refused to divulge how long the mission intends to last, further shrouding the mission in secrecy.

Observers from the notorious Area 51 have spotted the Playaz testing a new "plasma" rocket that travels at greater speeds than today's spacecraft, so fast that it would allow astronauts to travel to Mars in one-third the normal time.

"I'm a gambler by nature," Rogers was quoted as saying. "So I agreed to the mission right away. It took a little coersion to get Larry on board, but once I told him that the Playaz were in, he didn't hesitate," added Rogers.

It is expected that Larry Holmes himself would comandeer the ship, while Kenny and the Playaz would be responsible for manning the navigation systems, various complex computers, engineering, and experimentation.

We need more money!!

2005-07-11T16:08:00.000-04:00

I was just checking my Google AdSense account and noticed that in the time that this blog launched around the end of April until now, the Playaz have only earned $3.62 in ad revenue.

What is the matter with you people? We have expenditures, bills to pay, families to feed, bream that need re-stocking!

Get busy clicking on those ads, or better yet, go visit Playaz Mall, the brand-new store where you can buy all your Playaz merchandise, and purchase a t-shirt with Wayne's face on it, or better yet, treat yo' lady to track suit with a photo of all the Playaz gathered 'round the Christmas tree.

Tragedy! Thousands of Playaz' bream found dead!

2005-07-11T10:23:00.000-04:00

The Playaz are outraged at the recent discovery that our lake has been tainted with some sort of pesticide that killed thousands of our beautiful bream. What are we supposed to eat with our sour cream and onion potato chips?? Below you will find the official findings:

July 8, 2005

Playaz Estates
C/O Bon Scott

RE: Playaz Estates Lake Fish Kill Report

Dear Playaz:

Sub-Aquatic Environmental was called to collect data on a fish kill noticed on your lake at 3:00 on July 8, 2005. The amount and types of dead fish were collected, and the water quality was tested with results in the table below.

Water Quality Results

Water quality analysis performed on July 8, 2005

Parameter Results
Water Temperature 85° F
pH 8.1
Dissolved Oxygen 8.9 mg/L
Visibility 26 inches
Hardness 14 mg/L Total as CaCO3
Alkalinity 16 as CaCO3

The water quality appeared normal. There is as expected no reason to suspect a fish kill from these water parameters tested. Why are other water parameters not tested? Unless a known toxin is identified you can test for several and quickly spend $100’s-$1000’s and still not determine source of toxic substance. Also this was not a fish disease. You would not have a fish kill of this nature with fish disease outbreak. Also the dying fish were very healthy.

An estimated 1500 Bream were killed with 80% of them measuring 5-6 inches and sizes ranging from 2-9 inches in length. Less than 10 crappie and large mouth bass were found dead. This was a count of all floating fish and those lying on the bottom. It is quite possible this number may increase. Fish could by lying out of site. Also witnessed were many fish still surviving that will die due to related stressors. Pictures were taken in several locations.

We looked at the upstream water source and found fish here as well. We then obtained permission to investigate the adjacent lake to yours. The adjacent lake had an even higher death toll. Many of thee fish appeared to be further along in decomposition indicating an earlier death. The mouth of the lake had a large number of fish as well. At first it appeared the source was upstream. However upon further investigation there were no dead fish in the stream entering the adjacent lake. These fish had simply been wind blown in the upper reaches of adjacent lake. This evidence indicates the point source of toxic substance occurred in the adjacent lake.

After reviewing the results, the kill more than likely occurred through pesticide point source pollution in the adjacent lake. The pesticides were probably applied to a yard prior to the July 6, 2005 heavy rain storm which caused the chemicals to be washed into the lake in a concentrated state. The connecting stream then carried the pesticides into Playaz Lake. As the chemicals moved downstream it became more dilute, accounting for the lesser number of dead fish in Playaz Estates. An additional indicator of toxic poisoning was evident on many fish. When this occurs the fish will have its pectoral fin stick straight out. Pictures of this were collected. It is unlikely use of herbicides/fertilizers could result in this drastic of a fish kill.

So what does this mean? The lakeowners of the adjacent lake need to be questioned to determine the source. If determined, this person or company applying chemical will need to compensate for the loss of fish. We can determine this price if requested once a complete tally of fish death is recorded. Please do not hesitate to contact. I have completed this report as quickly as possible to maximize efforts to determine source of fish kill.

Sincerely,
Sub-Aquatic Environmental

June Jones
President

We have consulted with Wayne on the matter and here is his response to the offenders:

Gentlemen:

Please be advised that legal counsel for Playaz, Inc., i.e., Pensive Wayne, has consulted with our on-site representative, i.e., Bon, regarding the recently-occurred Fish Kill in Bon’s neighborhood. After intense negotiations, it is my recommendation that we proceed with a demand letter to the offending party, namely the neighboring subdivision. I suggest that we serve a demand letter upon the guilty party in which we will demand remuneration for the approximately 1,500 dead bream, as well as consequential damages, such as Bon’s efforts in nursing the surviving bream back to health, before killing them with a wooden bat, and sour cream and onion potato chips. Despite our collective emotional distress at the situation, we should be willing to accept a reasonable settlement to compensate us (and the Playaz lake share owners, of course) for the reasonable value of the Bream, which I estimate to be in excess of $20,000. If the subdivision does not accept our more than reasonable proposal, I suggest we file a lawsuit, in which we will seek compensatory damages as well as punitive damages for negligence. In the lawsuit, we may obtain information leading us to the responsible homeowner, and from him/her, we may make a demand against his/her homeowner’s insurance for the replacement cost of the Bream. We would also be able to obtain information as to exactly which homeowner applied pesticide to his yard during the time in question, and take said individuals deposition as well. Although Bream occupy a much higher cost/value ratio in our minds, we may settle for a reasonable sum necessary to re-stock the pond, plus provide the Playaz with a supply of brown bourbon/beer/doughnuts/yellow golf balls. Please advise of your position at your earliest convenience so that I may proceed as directed.

Sincerely,
Pensive Wayne
Counselor to Playaz, Inc.

It is a sad day, indeed.

Playaz throw suprise birthday party for Leon Spinks

2005-07-10T14:46:00.000-04:00

The Playaz threw a suprise party for Leon Spinks, who turns 52 tomorrow. Tac baked Leon a cake and Kenny Rogers stopped by with a couple of presents for Leon.

Larry Holmes was also in attendance.

The Playaz suprised Leon by telling him that Wayne would be driving him to the dentist for an emergency root canal, but instead took Leon to the Guv'na's house where the Playaz and Kenny leaped out from behind curtains and furniture with the suprise.

Damn dirty geese......

2005-07-09T14:24:00.000-04:00

Bon rises from the deep to extiguish another foe...

Time to revisit our favorite segment, "Ask Dr. Tac"

2005-07-08T20:51:00.000-04:00

Whitney Houston is back in the spotlight with the new reality show featuring her and her husband Bobby Brown on the Bravo channel.

In light of her recent return to the limelight after a previous visit to drug rehab in March of 2004, in March 2005, Houston returned. So we turn to Dr. Tac.

Q: Tac, with Houston's recent return to rehab for unspecified addictions, Whitney has notoriously exhibited strange behavior, lost weight, cancelled shows, and been arrested for marijuana possession. Tac, what's she on?

TAC: Excellent question Phil, there are many different possibilities here.

1) Heroin, highly addictive and would almost definitely require rehab to break an addiction. Heroin would also explain the weight loss., but I do not believe Whitney has a problem with herion. Most herion addicts take the drug intravenously and Whitney does not seem to be hiding any track marks. Heroin also does not explain the vacuum nostrils Whitney has developed over the last 10 - 15 years.
2) Ice (Crystal meth) and Crack, highly addictive and could require rehab to break the addiction. Ice and Crack would also explain the the vacuum nostrils and weight loss, but I do not believe Whitney has a problem with Ice or Crack. Ice and Crack are considered trailer park (dirty) drugs as the cost is very low compared to "Hollywood" drugs.
3) BLOW!! aka Cocaine, a very attractive drug in the "Hollywood" crowd and very obtainable. Blow would explain the weight loss, the vacuum nostrils and also the need for a late night marijuana cigarets. The marijuana cigs would ease the late night cocaine jitters (jones) and the next day cocaine hangover.

So, you ask and I tell you with certainty that Whitney enjoys a blow for her nose. Very obtainable in the ATL and anywhere in the US. I would also add that Whitney probably enjoys a little ecstasy with her blow every now and then. Just a gut feeling.

Dog days of summer

2005-07-08T10:03:00.000-04:00

We are officially in the "dog days" of summer, which run from July 3rd until August 11th.

So take care that you keep yourself cool and protected from overheating, as the Playaz do.

You also want to be sure you have some good summer tunes to listen to while you are suntanning by the pool.

Click on these links and enjoy the hottest music this summer:

(Thanks to The Regular Guys for providing the links.)

Hannah Banana
Sophia Girl

London awarded 2012 Playaz Ball

2005-07-06T22:22:00.000-04:00

Wayne announced today before millions of people across the globe that London will be awarded the 2012 Playaz Ball.

This is the first time Playaz Ball will take place in a location other than Charleston, South Carolina, the traditional locale of Playaz Ball since 2003.

Several countries vied to be named host to the much sought-after event, including the United States (New York City), Spain (Madrid), France (Paris), and Russia (Moscow).

Hundreds of thousands of Brits erupted in celebration at the news, where they were gathered in the parks, and around televisions and radios all across London.

It is expected that Playaz Ball will pump millions of dollars into the British economy. Great Britain's proposal included the construction of several new venues to accomodate Playaz Ball.

Even England soccer captain David Beckham got into the act. "In 2012, I can take my children to a Playaz Ball which we might never had had the chance to do," he said. "This is such a huge lift for our country."

Prime Minister Tony Blair stated that he "couldn't bear to watch" the vote. "This is a momentus day for London," he said.

Dancing with the stars, Playaz-style

2005-07-05T23:11:00.000-04:00

Bon has recently been contracted by the producers of ABC's hit series "Dancing With The Stars" to appear in their second season.

The show pairs celebrities with professional dancers to compete against each other in a weekly show before judges and a national viewing audience. The judges score the dancers, and then the viewers are allowed to phone in their votes for their favorite dancers.

While Bon is an amateur, he is no stranger to dancing. Bon was trained in the art of the dance by none other than Playa Tac. Tac was blacklisted years ago by area ballrooms and dance clubs when Tac was caught attempting to shave points in a dance competition for local bookies.

Bon is expected to appear with other celebrities such as Conrad Bain, better known as Mr. Drummond from "Diff'rent Strokes", and former heavyweight champion Larry Holmes. Other celebs will be announced in the near future as Season 2 kicks off later this summer.

Don't miss it!

Fourth of July Jamboree a huge success

2005-07-05T10:22:00.000-04:00

Record crowds came to see Sonny James & the Playaz

Wow. What a show we had.

Probably a record crowd, they say, to have ever come to Myrtle Beach to see a concert. They were crowded onto the beaches, on top of the Tilt-A-Whirl, watching from closed-circuit television inside the Ripley's Believe It or Not museum. 500,000 I'm guessing?

I must say we had some great support. Bell-Biv-Devoe was great in opening the show, doing their hit song, "Poison". They did a 5 minute set. Tom Wopat did a 3 minute set. Then Lee Greenwood had them weeping with the best rendition of "God Bless The U.S.A." I've ever heard. Then came Ray Stevens. He came on right before us. And boy, did he get the crowd worked up into a frenzy. Hit after hit. And when Ray came out for his third encore and did "The Mississippi Squirrel Revival", I swear I thought they would burn Myrtle Beach down.

Then we were up. Sonny laid back in the dressing room and made the crowd wait. I was anxious to get on stage, but it was pure genius. "Take it easy on the coffee and mini-whites, Sonny," I joked. "This ain't 1981, you know." That gave Sonny a good laugh and eased our nervousness. Sonny was cool as a cucumber. After about 30 minutes of chanting and screaming our names, we walked out one by one. Tac with his fiddle. Then Bon with his accordion. Wayne and his flute backed by his trademark stand with a row of 12 different recorders and oboes. He even has one double-flute he plays, one stacked on top of the other. Then I came out with my washboard. The crowd was deafening. Manny came out last, with his jug. But you really should have heard it when Sonny came rising out from underneath the stage as we broke right into "You're The Only World I Know". Whew!!

We played for 5 hours, doing a lot of free-form jam sessions. We did a 30 minute version of "Young Love", that included Manny doing a 7 minute jug solo. At one point, Bon was bringing women up on the stage and letting them work the accordion in and out while Bon played the keys. Sonny himself was working the crowd like never before. He always timed his pelvic thrusts perfectly, causing the ladies to absolutely lose control.

Of course, the crowd kept screaming for us to play "Red Mud", which we saved to close out the set.

We did 7 encores. My face was really red after the sixth encore because I threw my washboard into the crowd, thinking that was it. But then Sonny stunned the Playaz and the audience when he said "Let's play 'Dawn'". "Dawn" was a little known, "lost classic". It brought the crowd to tears. Since my washboard was gone, I harmonized with Sonny on the chorus. Maybe the best version of "Dawn" we've ever played.

When it was finally over, we just unwound back in the tour bus. Ray Stevens and his posse were trying to get in to see us, but we just wanted to relax. It was a good time, but we probably won't be playing live again for quite a while. We plan on laying down some tracks at this year's Playaz Ball, but we'll see what happens.

Until next time, I hope you all had a great holiday weekend!

Hello, old friend

2005-07-01T12:55:00.000-04:00

Mmmm....Gentleman Jack Daniels......brownest of the brown liquors.....

What's that? You want me to drink you now?

But it's only 1:00 p.m. on Friday......well, okay.

Looks like my Fourth of July weekend is underway. I hope you readers have a good weekend. I expect I won't be posting until next week.

The rest of the Playaz will likely be taking it easy until Monday. Manny plans to do a little much needed yard work with his steam-powered lawnmower this holiday weekend.

Then, we will be packing our bags and heading to Myrtle Beach for our perfomance with Sonny James on the Fourth. It is likely a sold-out show by now, but if you ladies stop by Sonny's tour bus, I'm sure Sonny will be more than willing to give you a backstage pass, if you know what I mean.

Well, I have to go and polish off the rest of this Gentleman Jack and practice up on my washboard.

Happy Independence Day, everyone!

Tac tells Bush: "Get Bin Laden in the Octagon with me for 5 minutes"

2005-06-29T21:53:00.000-04:00

Tac informed President George Bush last night that, when captured, he wants just five minutes in the Octagon with Osama Bin Laden.

Bush gave an impassioned speech Tuesday night to the U.S. regarding the war in Afghanistan and Iraq, urging Americans to continue their support for our troops in liberating Iraq, and for our continued search for terrorist Osama Bin Laden.

Tac went a step further, informing Americans shortly after Bush's speech concluded that he wanted to take on Bin Laden personally. "Just give me five minutes," Tac implored the President. "That's all I'll need."

Tac laid out his plan to the citizens of our country that consisted of a series of roundhouse kicks to the face, followed by multiple blows to the abdomen, a choke hold, and a submission tactic that would either break Bin Laden's arm, or force Bin Laden to "tap out". Tac stated, however, that no such sign of surrender would be recognized, and he would then proceed to rip out Bin Laden's wind pipe within said five minute period. "In the Octagon, Bin Laden wouldn't be able to run and hide in one of his cushy caves," Tac said, his voice rising. "I will put an end to his reign of terror once and for all, and it won't take me long."

"C'mon, Mr. President," Tac added. "I'm serious. Just five minutes."

Bon enraged at recent shark attacks, vows to kill all sharks

2005-06-29T09:07:00.000-04:00

Bon has become enraged at the recent shark attacks occurring in Florida and has been living in the everglades for over a week, training and preparing himself to kill all sharks living in the Gulf of Mexico. As you can see in the photo on the left, Bon's appearance has changed quite drastically as he has been exposed to the harsh elements of the Florida swamps, and without means to shower or shave.

Bon will show no mercy, sharks, so I advise you to swim back out into the deep where you belong.

I hope to have photos of Bon's methodical killing, one by one, of these heartless eating machines.

UPDATE: Bon's shark killing spree commences

Bon has been swimming along the gulf coast of Florida now for the last 24 hours and has managed to kill roughly 31 sharks in that timespan. Bon appears to be cleaning up the coast, as evidenced by the lack of shark attacks reported during the time Bon has been patrolling the coastline.

Above you can see one of Bon's victims.

SHARK UPDATE!!! NEW PHOTO!!

Sonny James & The Playaz reunite for Fourth of July Jamboree

2005-06-26T12:59:00.000-04:00

Sonny and the Playaz pose for this 1981 tour publicity photo

The Playaz have agreed to perform once again with the great Sonny James at the Fourth of July Jamboree to be held at the Pavillion in Myrtle Beach. Sonny and the Playaz will be headlining the event that will feature artists such as Tom Wopat, Ray Stevens, Lee Greenwood, and Bell-Biv-Devoe.

The Playaz have not performed with James since 1981 during James's infamous "Red Mud Tour". While a bit out of practice, the Playaz admit they are honing their musical skills to recapture the magic of the Red Mud Tour, that drew record crowds and was performed at race tracks all over the country.

Sonny will once again play guitar and sing lead vocal. The other Playaz will play their old instruments the fans came to know them for in the 60s & 70s:

Phil: Washboard
Wayne: Flute / recorder
Manny: Jug
Tac: Fiddle
Bon: Accordion

Playaz Ball 2005 less than 2 months away!

2005-06-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

Playaz Ball 2005 is now set to occur on the weekend of August 18-21st. Larry Holmes is expected to phone the Playaz once again in what is now traditionally the start of Playaz Ball weekend.

The Playaz will be convening at their Headquarters in Charleston, South Carolina to discuss their business dealings and the construction of a new website (details to be provided at a later date). Everyone is welcome to Charleston that weekend to meet the Playaz.

Catfish with sourcream & onion potato chips

2005-06-23T19:36:00.000-04:00

Dinner is served

I typically fish for my family's dinner and tonight was no exception. I don't fish with "rods" and "hooks". I simply dive in and grab whatever I can. They call it "noodling" in the south and tonight I think I caught us dinner for the next 3 weeks.

I was burrowed up under some asphalt where the lake had washed out the dirt underneath, when lo and behold I snagged this catfish that I approximate to weigh around 100 lbs. I am such a skilled fisherman you will note in the picture that my Kangol still rests perfectly on my head.

Bon prefers to use dynamite, or a 9 millimeter to shoot the fish, but I am a true sportsman and prefer to do battle with them mano a pescada.

With fish as large as these, you can imagine I've run into trouble before. I have been bitten by a wide variety of fish & reptiles roughly 131 times. My wife guts and cleans the fish, and then we have quite the feast. Even my infant girls enjoy the taste of fish. The doctor says they are too young to eat fish, but if it was good enough for me it is good enough for them. They prefer bream, as it is the sweeter of the fish meats! Add some sourcream and onion potato chips, a brownie for desert, and you have quite a meal my friend.

Guvna's Story Time: The tale of Wayne, and the Rascal's crushed scrotum

2005-06-22T17:18:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, in the year 1983, on a particularly sunny school day, class rascal Mark Paschall was severely kicked in the scrotum by a young Wayne with such force that had never been seen before or after by his fellow Playaz.

It appears the animated Paschall, who was known for his ability to pester others at a level only surpassed by the Guvna himself, had been badgering Wayne for an undetermined period of time with various antics such as dancing around, incessant chattering, and general tom-foolery. An obviously agitated Wayne warned Paschall that any further annoyances would result in a strike to the ball sack. Paschall immediately dismissed this warning as idle talk, only a part of the game Paschall was playing. It was not.

Paschall’s loins unprotected, Wayne rared back is right foot and with a mighty boot, caught Paschall squarely on the nutsack. The collision between foot and testicle was so brutal it had actually caused Paschall to rise off the ground, before crumpling into a heap of blistering pain and nausea. Stunned onlookers could not believe Wayne’s follow through on his threat, while some even considered the punishment too severe for the crime. No matter, the deed had been done.

A motionless Paschall remained on the side of the softball field, while other school children continued their play. One classmate was quoted as saying “he may have been a rascal, for his name is Mark Paschall, but really he is a very nice guy.”

The End.

Ask Dr. Tac

2005-06-21T15:46:00.000-04:00

Q: Tac, what was FSU quarterback Wyatt Sexton on when he flipped out recently?

Tac: Acid, probably liquid.

Wyatt was "stressed out", his roommates said...yeah, right

Happy Father's Day!

2005-06-20T08:59:00.000-04:00

I hope you all had a good and peaceful Father's Day this past Sunday.

I spent my first Father's Day waking up at 5:30 a.m. to the screaming of my twin girls (who I am convinced are fathered by two different individuals - one of whom may or may not be me...don't think it's possible? Look it up!). After my wife clubbed me on the back of my head with a large book - maybe the Bible - I got up to help feed the girls.

There is something very peaceful about middle-of-the-night feedings. The house is quiet. It is just you and the child. You stare down at him or her, and wonder, "was I even in town when this child was conceived?" and "why is the other one not even white?" These things will always run through your mind. Well, if you have twins, that is.

I got a little more sleep after that, then spent the rest of my day down at the local convenience store, where you can bet on the ponies on a closed-circuit television in a back room. Father's Day is best when it is spent away from the people you love, where they can't bother you, I always say.

Later today I am going to take my family boating to make it up to them. Now all I have to do is find a boat with the keys still in it.

Anyway, Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there!

How old will I look in 40 years?

2005-06-15T16:12:00.000-04:00

HOW OLD WILL I LOOK IN 40 YEARS?

Dead... Undead... who really knows? I'm just glad I will still have my sense of humor... even if it does constantly involve gags about murder.

Want to see how you will look in 40 years? click here to take the test!

I despise you, too, Meatloaf

2005-06-14T14:47:00.000-04:00

Last night as I was perusing my kitchen, I noticed something that both repulsed and angered me. Sitting on the CD player was some packaged CD that had just been opened and waiting to be played. It was Meatloaf.

For the record, I also despise Meatloaf the singer, as well as the meat. Meatloaf is essentially garbage mixed with fat and can sing a little bit. I hate his scarves and his ruffled tuxedo shirts.

Meatloaf

Music should only be Kenny Rogers music, as God intended it to be, perhaps with some
Conway Twitty on the side and nothing more.

I despise you, meatloaf

2005-06-13T11:55:00.000-04:00

Last night as I was perusing my kitchen, I noticed something that both repulsed and angered me. Sitting in the sink was some packaged meat being defrosted for tomorrow night's dinner, and on the counter next to it was a recipe for the most vile and disgusting food ever created. Meatloaf.

For those of you who do not know, I despise meatloaf more than any other food in the universe. Meatloaf is essentially garbage mixed with ground beef. I believe meatloaf was invented back in biblical times when Lucifer took a dump into a bowl of meat, mixed it, cooked it, and served it to his minions.

Take the contents of a garbage dumpster, mix it in with your meat, and...voila!

Upon seeing this horrible recipe, I of course flew into a rage. For the next 15 minutes, I began shouting slogans at my wife and bloodying my forehead in protest. I did not get the reaction I desired from her, so I then began to beat her with a bamboo cane until she assured me that the meat and the recipe had nothing to do with each other, and that she vowed to never, ever serve me meatloaf lest she be cast out into the street and stoned to death.

Thankfully, we are merely having pot roast tonight. I think my wife got the message that she is only to serve plain beef, as God intended it to be served, perhaps with some salt and nothing more.

Oscar has probably eaten his share of meatloaf, as this is where it usually ends up

Manny announces he will enter the NBA draft

2005-06-10T18:01:00.000-04:00

Manny announces intention to enter NBA draft

Manny has recently given up his efforts in the Middle East and has instead decided to declare himself eligible for the upcoming NBA draft.

While the deadline to enter the draft passed on May 14th, Manny was given an exception, as NBA officials have been beggin the Guv'na for several years now to lend his basketball prowess to the fading popularity of the NBA.

"Ball Handlin'" Manny, as he known in basketball circles, stands 5'6", and weighs approximately 150-160 pounds. Caucasian by birth, Manny is not known to play the devil-ball above the rim style, but is more apt to the gentleman's game as it was invented and intended back in the days of James Naismith. Manny has perfected the art of the jump stop, pivot, set-shot, bounce-pass, and the dribble.

Manny is projected to be selected anywhere among the lottery selections, and has scheduled several workouts and steam-baths with several teams. The Atlanta Hawks have their eye on Manny with the 2nd selection, hoping to continue the tradition of selecting honkies such as Tom McMillan, Steve Hawes, Randy Whittman, Alexandr Volkov, Jon Koncak, Adam Keefe, Chris Crawford, etc.

Islamabad? Manny says, "Islamagood"!

2005-06-08T18:53:00.000-04:00

'Allo, Guv'na!

Manny stopped off recently in Pakistan to meet with their Prime Minister to discuss ways to curb rising oil prices across the Middle East. Manny can be seen peeking into the SAARC Summit press conference above.

Manny has been suggesting the United States begin to transfer over to the high-wheeled bicycle as a mode of environmentally sound, economical transportation. While it has not been met with widespread appeal, Manny continues to push the U.S. and other world governments to make the switch.

Guv'na and bike

The Playaz shall rise again

2005-06-06T20:34:00.000-04:00

Ride, Playaz, Ride

With continuing controversy over Confederate emblems and memorials in the south, we are seeing more and more boycotts involving sporting events such as the Super Bowl, the NCAA Final Four, etc. being withdrawn from certain states who continue to display anything to do with the Confederacy.

In Georgia, there has been discussion about what to do with Stone Mountain, which previously depicted Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis. There are many events such as the Super Bowl, all star games, and other major events held in Atlanta and Georgia officials do not want to lose these events in the future. So the Playaz came up with a simple solution.

Simply replace the 3 Confederate heroes with the Playaz.

Shown above is a sculptor's depiction of what the 'new' Stone Mountain will look like, with the addition of two more horsemen, Tac and Manny (Guv'na). What still needs to be worked out is why several of the Playaz are holding hats over their hearts while still wearing Kangols. Perhaps the Kangols should be removed and placed over the Playaz' hearts. That is still in discussion apparently.

The laser show should be spectacular. I can envision the crowds gathering every summer to 'ooh' and 'ahh' as the Playaz are shown in a dazzling array of colors projected on the side of the great mountain. Most likely set to music by Kenny Rogers, with the various scenes shown with laser precision, such as Bon killing a goose, Manny vomiting, Tac beating down an unsuspecting gentleman, and of course the grand finale where the horses come to life and the Playaz ride off to Nalley's Liquor store for some Jack Daniels.

Not to worry, Georgia! The Playaz have your problems solved.

President Bush swears allegiance to the Playaz

2005-06-04T15:47:00.000-04:00

Bush is sworn in by Bon (seen wearing white Kangol)

President Bush gave his solemn oath to be loyal to the Playaz on Friday in a formal ceremony held in Washington.

Bon was master of ceremonies and did the swearing in of Bush, making the President vow his eternal allegiance to the Playaz. Bush is seen above wearing the Playa Crown, which has been passed down from Playa to Playa. It has been worn by the likes of Kenny Rogers, Larry Holmes, and is expected to be worn by one of Conway Twitty's relatives in a posthumous ceremony to be held later this year.

In essence, this new covenant between the President and the Playaz signifies that we are now ruling the country, via our consultations with the President.

In the President's first act in his new subservient role with the Playaz, Bon has issued an order for the United States to exterminate all Canadian Geese from the planet.